Sunday, July 17, 2016

The view

Bonifacio Global City Taguig Art StreetArt Woman Chill Millenial Street Art Coffee Bean Tea Leaf Bistro Lazy Sunday Artworks Paintings Philippines Asia Travel

This is a view from Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf Bistro in 26th Street of Bonifacio Global City. A few months ago I sat in this coffee shop staring at the exact, same view after I got rejected for the nth time in firm internship applications. 

Rejection and failing are not new to me, but I have to admit they hurt and frustrate me everytime. It is as if a scar that healed would open up again and again. It was my fault for applying only for the firms I wanted (very few), and not broadened my selection or maybe there were other factors.

Maybe I did not have enough connections? 

Or maybe I was just not good enough? 

Who knows! 

But now a few months later, I found myself in the same coffee shop to rest from a tireful day of walking. It then occurred to me that I'm done with internship already! I may not have entered the corporate firms I initially wanted, but I was able to have an unforgettable time doing it with an environmental organization in Palawan. 

I'll just try out for those firms next time, but I'm honestly over the entire situation already. 

Maybe I'll be luckier in other aspects of life starting this year? Hopefully! Let's hope that the stars would be a bit kinder to this young man over here. Now I look at this view of the city in a positive light.

Tuesday, July 12, 2016

Hopes for spring

Travel Architecture India Indian India Habitat Centre Center New Delhi FIlipino In India

I distinctly remember this moment of me looking up the panels of India Habitat Centre.

It was a memorable summer from a few years back. I took a quick break from the forum in the same venue to walk around the building. I was, of course, multitasking. Aside from discovering the other parts of the building, I was also submerging myself in thoughts about where my life was heading. The moment I come back to the Philippines, I would have to start law school. On the other hand, if I somehow managed to run away, I would have found myself in Nepal or Singapore - and God knows where I could have been right now. 

I eventually flew back to the Philippines and everything has been an absolute nightmare since then. I had to go on through the heartaches and failures of a journey I have never wanted to take in the first place. For others it might be worth it because it's their dream, but for me I just feel like it's an utter waste of my time. But here I am, kind of halfway through the ordeal of being a lawyer already. 

My thoughts? In this very moment, I genuinely feel like I wasted my 20s. By the time I become a lawyer I'll be 29 years old. Looking at it from a balanced perspective, that's literally okay since I had some work experience after college. Its just that I have these negative thoughts that if everyone was patient with me and how I pictured my own career back then, I could have been somewhere else now. I have to battle these negative thoughts with positive ones!

I'm just wishing so hard right now that I could win a scholarship abroad after all this because every single day I feel so frustrated about interacting with people I should not have met, or thinking about stuff I should not be learning. I really do not have the will for this at all. 

I might just be spending my 30s in another place doing things that I love to do. Not a lot of people understand that I don't need or want to be a lawyer. But I do wish to finish this journey already so I can move on with my life. Technically, I should become a lawyer at this point of the journey. Not becoming one would mean feeling like I wasted my 20s just once, but twice. 

I just hope someday it will make sense to me in a way that I will look back to this because it had a purpose. 

Perhaps I'm just intensely frustrated of how an utter failure my love life has been combined with the frustration of wanting to fast forward to the moments that I will graduate from law school, and ultimately pass the Philippine Bar.

It's just so difficult for me to be both patient and thankful right now because of the combination of negative thoughts and feelings, but I have to. I neither met anyone special in law school, nor did I become some sort of star student. But in this journey I met a number of amazing people who became good friends, and had some winning moments as well.

One day I may find the answers, or maybe I won't. But that doesn't really matter to me. What matters is that I will finish this journey; meaning get my Juris Doctor degree this June 2018, and pass the November 2018 Philippine bar exams.

For now I have good memories of past travels to fuel me into the last two years of my journey as a lawyer. As much as it is difficult for me to be positive, I will try my best to live up to the days, and go with the journey.

One day I will remember this same moment when I looked up the ceilings of India Habitat Centre, when I was at the crossroads of my life. And my wish is that in that near future when I look back to that moment once again, I will think that the journey I have undertaken when I went back to my country was not such a waste of time after all.